[PLEASE LET ME CAUTION YOU TO THE CONTENTS OF THIS SECTION AS IT CONTAINS SWEARING – MAYBE ITS MY SAD WAY OF DEALING WITH MY FRUSTRATION PERTAINING TO MY WEAKNESS OF DEALING WITH THIS CREEP]
In this section of my Blog l have decided to dedicate it to some of the key events that have occurred in the last few months of my life and have in many respects changed the course of my life. I cannot say that the changes are good but l can say that they have opened my eyes to a dark evil force which l never suspected will cross my path or vice versa.
I will use some of the information from my diary (names omitted) and will place these events in order of dates. I believe its important to keep a diary if you have the misfortune of dealing with a narcissistic. A diary has helped me not only to cross reference a lot of the information within the different periods but also to note the changes in behavior at particular times and circumstances of the narcissistic.
As promised l have added a particular day and some common ‘practices’ displayed by a narcissistic which l have experienced on many occasions before. I have decided also to provide you an overview of some of the typical and repeated events that took place during the course of September – December 2013.
During the latter part of the month – met the narcissistic (by complete chance – unfortunately). Met in the mall – he approached me. A chance and impressive meeting led to further intense meetings/dates. Things were moving incredibly fast. To a point that he was becoming intimate – to quick to fast for my liking. To be honest l was very overwhelmed as to what was happening to me. At first l thought it was so good, l was so lucky (this guy highly intelligent, borderline handsome, somewhat perfect and knows what he wants in life (or so he thinks)). Apart from the typical traits displayed by narcissistic this one also had a special liking for sadism. This scared the shit out of me – as l never had a person pinch, bite or pull my hair in a viscous way. He himself admitted to enjoying this – but failed to explain why he enjoyed it. One thing l can say for certain these types of evil humans are not able to explain why they commit such nasty actions. When he was put on the spot – he withdrew.
Again another very busy month at work. But his demands are intense. Wanting to meet me after work (he also works). I was fine at first – but my job began to suffer as well as my personal life. I failed to realize this at first but as things got really intense l really tried my DAMNEST to hint to him to calm down and give me space to breath. But he refused to acknowledge my concerns – instead he would go on a MAJOR fucking strop. Again l become the pacifier. l had to deal with the strops, the tantrums and depression in him. So now not only was l dealing with work and home life but also the evil narcissist. f l remember rightly he proposed late October 2013 – which to be honest seemed like the biggest ever joke. However, he was dead serious. I never took him seriously (and ensured l it did not show) for it was really hard to comprehend this action.
When we go out he will always ask …am l boring him…is he boring etc then i have to reassure him he is not. But he knows he is boring. His conversations are dry and have no depth his jokes are shit/callous, hurtful. he keeps saying p******….like i give a crap.What i don’t understand is it that he has gone to visit his relative today…and only managed to write one text before he left. Yet i know he is not busy and i have wrote him a few texts. Since he hasn’t responded i cant be asked to write anymore. I think this is another way – were he is controlling what happens and when and where. Because he is not responding i keep writing. I think that gives him a feeling of want and yet he is denying me what i want – which is a response. He has done this on many occasions as well as the classic of not picking up phone. I guess i am only important when he deems fit.
On of those very long days – too much crammed in. Took my relatives out after such a long. The narcissistic got pissed that l did not spend time with him. So he got pissed and decided to go his own way. Like l give a damn. Then he decided to visit me where l took my relatives ie mall. By now l was so tried and needed to go home and change into warm clothes, eat food and rest before going out in the evening. But hell that wasn’t gonna happen. I had no choice but to meet him in the mall – due to his stubbornness. So we met – to be honest l was not in appropriate clothes to travel in the cold (as l expected to home after relatives drop off). So me and the narcissistic go to Central London and this fuck loves to walk and walk and walk. He knows l just spent 3 hrs with my relatives walking. It was God awful cold. I was so tried – he decided to buy cookies and coffee – not dinner even though it was the evening and cold. NO EMPATHY. And to make it worse – he kept saying, ‘…are you tried..’. Well bitch what do you think? l am fucking tried and cold and hungry. This evil human can see the pain l am going through in the cold, tried and hungry. But he insists on his selfish behavior. His relative calls during our walk and ends up spending 20 mins at least on the phone. Again complete disregard for my welfare. Another period of my life wasted. Why am l not strong enough to resist him? WHY?????????????????
God l hate this cunt, why why why. I am soooo fucking tried. This cunt is driving me crazy. I swear I am better of by myself. He will kill me once we are married. There is worse to come. What The Fuck. A.N was right…he is a monster just waiting to come out. I have never known someone so DARK so EVIL. I swear sometimes l can see the EVIL in him when he is caught off guard. I know l can sense the EVIL.
Upon reflection l believe his actions of yesterday (same actions experienced before) were torture or a form of punishment for me. Maybe because l failed to meet him when he wanted. It was control. He could see l was not happy. As a matter of fact he texted me sayings – he knew that l was not happy. And its true that many times he will say how intelligent l am but constantly bombards me with indirect insults. Yesterday he said he hated holidays and prefers to work..yet he refused to explain why he hates holiday. My trust has been abused by him. The worst thing is he has no friends. As he wants to spend all his shitty days/times with me. Recently he has shown me FB pictures of his so called friend/s and probably made up stories about these people – who I believe are not even his friends. I sense that he knows l have figured him out.
The mental torture of a narcissistic…
For the time l have know this Freak Of Nature (FON) and the intensity of the relationship – it has been nothing but hell in terms of mental torture. Apart from the initial sadistic traits that he showed (whereupon l warned him to STOP)…the mental roller coaster has been way too much for me to bear. He says one thing and does another for example if he has decided to go out and l say yes then later during the day he will change the plan without any reason and pretend he never said we were going out etc. This pisses me off to the max…as l plan my day and every minute is important due to the nature of my job and family commitment. I cant just leave at the drop of a hat. He can go fuck himself. I realized that prior to meeting him l really was a happy person..l had life in me…i had hope…and had plans….then in the last 3 months…l felt withdrawn..sad…undermined…controlled….mentally tortured….hating others…alone. I was once creative full of life. And now l feel like a walking dead person. l know this is depression. But it has stemmed from him. He is soulless and is making me feel the same way.