‘I am crying for Narcissus but I have never noticed that Narcissus was beautiful. I am crying for him because every time he bent over my waters, I could have seen deep in the bottom of his eyes the reflection of my own beauty.’
I recently studied this extract taken from l believe Paulo Coelho book. Sorry l have a bad tendency to read books but fail to take notes – to remind of me of what i have read. In the first instance upon reading this extract l though little of it. Until l examined it closely. I broke it down…each and every word. And just like a picture it contained or reflected a thousand messages of which l could easily relate to. This is me – who is crying for my narcissus lover. Me who is water…water which is pure, water which is transparent yet reflects the imagine of the passer by. This image of the narc is by far the most beautiful and compelling that i fear the ripples may deflect what is beautiful. But is it beautiful…and why am i unable to contain his image, his reflection – for bear in mind he is beautiful. What l want is ruined due to the ripples stemming from the flowing water. Water can never be contained hence his image can never be contained. Furthermore, l thought that he was beautiful. So as time goes by i realize he is not beautiful. Rather as a reflection he changes according to light and dark. He is beautiful when he wants to be. He is ugly when he does not get his way and hence shows his narc predispositions. In fact he never was beautiful…he made me believe he was. So in reality l am crying for nothing, a nothing.
Tough l continue to mourn him and l use the word mourn as l really am mourning him everyday. I wonder if at any point if l really did love him. Or maybe it was my shortfall, my weakness, my failure to remove myself from him. I admired him so much that l failed to see myself as a someone. I only saw him as important. Being a doctor as he is – he truly does not have a character or a personality. On the other maybe l cried for him as he really did not exist. He existed in my mind. A made up entity. Someone whom l conjured up in my head. Hoped he would be the one. The one who understood me. The one who l could relate to. I just cannot put my finger on him…he is a failure.
He has hurt me on so many occasions and then says
‘ please forgive me…i dont know why i do that?’
What bullshit….he has a dark, deep, shallow evil side. The shallow is visible but the deep is usually felt i.e physical and emotional pain. The truth is l can only see the depths of despair within him. He sees me as a savior but abuses my love for him. He does not realize this.